I Can’t Go Back, Much As I’d Like To

I’ve mostly adjusted to my new way of eating. I don’t make perfect choices all day long every day by any means, but I’m definitely making better choices most of the time. Every once in a while, I’ll try eating the “old way” – and I’ll quickly be reminded, even in just one meal, that I can’t. There’s no going back, no matter how good I’m feeling.

Breakfast has always been my favorite meal – and going out to breakfast has been one of my favorite things to do. Brunch is absolute heaven. Was absolute heaven. I can’t eat most of my favorites anymore – certainly not all together at once. I can have a little here and there, but the thrill of mixing all of my favorites together and eating until I’m too full to continue … that’s a no go at this point.

This was my heaven on earth in the past. Now, it’s a dangerous temptation.

I went out to breakfast this morning for the first time in over two years. I used to share a veggie omelet and strawberry pancakes with my daughter when she was little. That was my ideal – half of each. We’d also drink hot chocolate and orange juice. Those were the days!

There was nobody who wanted to share like that this morning, so I got the combo meal that had scrambled eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, and two big blueberry pancakes. I haven’t had pancakes in years and was also so thrilled to be out – I just wanted to feel that old feeling of enjoying with abandon, you know? I had water to drink – I wasn’t going totally off the rails! LOL

When the food came, I put one of the pancakes on another plate and offered it to the table. I only ate half of my hash browns. I didn’t even eat the whole pancake. I was indulging, but also being a little careful about it. My small efforts in that direction weren’t as effective as I’d hoped they’d be.

I noticed on the drive home that I was starting to feel a buzzing in my body. By the time I got home, I felt high as a kite. I took my blood sugar reading. 258. The highest it’s been in memory. It’s now almost four hours later and I’m still not feeling great. My brain is still foggy. I feel more like sleeping than doing anything else. And I am reminded why I usually choose to be so much more careful about what I eat. None of that food was worth feeling how I’ve felt since eating it.

A number I don’t ever want to see again on my monitor!

It can be hard feeling like I’m leaving behind the fun and festivity associated with food. Many of my happiest memories are intimately tied up with sharing meals and snacks and drinks with people I love. It’s not as fun when I can’t eat all of the foods I enjoy and have to be careful in my food choices. That’s true – but it’s also not fun feeling like I’m feeling now with my blood sugar way up and my body clearly unhappy with me, signaling me with pain and fatigue and disorientation. Not. Cool!

So. What can I do?

Well, I’ve been happy and okay these past couple of years not going out to breakfast (or out to eat at all, really). It’s so much easier to stay on track when I’m eating at home. But if an opportunity like today comes up and I really want to go out – and I do enjoy going out! – then I just have to be mindful and more strategic in my choices. I know that potatoes set off my sugar, so hash browns aren’t a good choice, obviously. If I really want a couple of bites, okay – but half of a large serving is still way too much for me. The pancake was a huge letdown – it didn’t even taste that great. I don’t know why I had more than one bite! If I’m going to eat high carb foods like that, it has to be one at a time – and/or much smaller quantities. And if it’s not truly delicious – dump it!

One thing I’ve also found helpful since my diagnosis is to make sure I have healthy snacks available to me at all times. I’m more inclined to make better choices when I’m not super hungry (like I was this morning). In fact, that idea of eating smaller meals/snacks more regularly really has seemed to work for me when I’ve done it. There’s a sweet spot where I feel satisfied – neither full nor too hungry.

It’s also helpful to have some pre-made salads that I can grab easily, and/or veggies that are ready to throw in a wok or steamer, and chicken that’s already cooked and ready to eat. Making sure I’m well-nourished actually does take away a lot of the cravings for foods that are less than ideal for my blood sugar. I haven’t been as good at pre-planning lately as I was there for a while. I’m going to need to get better organized again – because that really was helpful!

I’m feeling committed again to feeling better and making better choices. I wish it didn’t have to come to this – but sometimes when we’re finding our edges, we do push past them and have to reign it back in a little. That’s life. It’s a delicate dance sometimes, trying to find our balance and our limits.

Disclaimer: Please be advised that I am not a medical professional nor a dietician. This site is not in any way, shape, or form providing any sort of diagnosis, advice, cures, or recommendations for medical or dietary treatments. I am simply sharing my own journey and experiences. Nothing I say is intended to replace proper medical care.

Freaking Out Doesn’t Help

CW/TW: some talk about weight loss dieting negative impacts

The other morning, my fasting blood sugar was 162. I took it again, feeling incredulous. 155. Okay, so unusually high. Some may say, alarmingly high. A year or two ago, a reading like that would have had me freaking out – re-organizing my whole life, panic mode level of “gotta fix this NOW!”

I may have said, “oh, shit” that morning upon seeing that reading – but I wasn’t particularly upset or worried. For one thing, I was aware that I’d eaten dinner much later than usual the night before – and that I’d had higher-carb foods than usual. Okay. A signal to be more mindful – perhaps not choose to eat so late, and, if I’d missed dinner earlier and was super hungry, at least to choose something a little lower carb. My memory isn’t super clear at this point, but I think I may have had chicken nachos and a beer that night prior. Not the best choice in the world. Also, not going to kill me on the spot.

When I was first diagnosed, I was totally freaked out, running around like it was a five-alarm fire that I had to get under control right this minute! For over 18 months, I was ridiculously meticulous about everything – to the extent that it became unsustainable for me. Then I had the (predictable) rebound effect and started being less and less careful until I was basically not careful at all. I had thought that because it was diabetes (a legitimate health issue) that it would feel different for me than my rebellion against weight loss dieting. It really didn’t feel all that different. I understood (and understand) that the stakes are much higher and more important in controlling my blood sugar – but the same psychological processes around deprivation and desire were playing out in my psyche and emotions as had been when I’d dealt with the oppressive scourge of weight loss dieting.

I am continuing to find my way into a balance I can live with. Life circumstances also have a huge impact on how I am able to handle this attempted balance. I haven’t written on this blog in weeks – because, first of all, I did a two week workshop in which I left the house before 9 am and usually returned after 11 pm. I didn’t have the time or energy to write. I also didn’t have the time or energy to plan my meals or to eat “right.” It didn’t help at all that the AirBnB where the workshop was held was a vegetarian space that didn’t allow meat on the property. Fine for people for whom that works, but that’s seriously inconvenient for people with health issues like mine, who require animal protein to stay healthy/balanced.

I suppose I could have taken walks on breaks, but I, a) really didn’t have the energy, and b) fell off a step I didn’t see the first day and ended up jamming both of my knees and my right wrist – which made it really challenging getting up from and down on the floor throughout the workshop. Going for a walk was not an appealing option with the level of pain I was in. Sigh. But I lived. I made it. It was okay.

My point in all of this is that for many people, a lot of the time, it isn’t possible to follow ideal guidelines for controlling blood sugar. Whether it is psychological – or physical constraints regarding time, energy, resources, finances, obligations, etc. – it is a very privileged position to be in that allows one to do all the things that create ideal conditions for the body to maintain balance and health. So, we do what we can, when and how we can – and need to make peace with the rest to the best of our ability.

I want to make this clear: that day that I got the terrible reading – I didn’t go into lockdown. I didn’t have a “perfect” eating day that day in a panicked frenzy to get my blood sugar under control. I was more mindful than I’d been the previous day, yes. I made a point to have my dinner at an earlier time. The next morning, my blood sugar was 131. Not at all in my target range, but much improved from the previous day – and that’s how I’m taking it. Given what is happening in my life, I’m doing the best I can – some days that is better than others.

After the workshop, I was sick for a week or two. Just depleted from too long of days and not enough rest and not ideal food/exercise conditions. (Yes, I did get tested for Covid – it was negative). So, basically a whole month without regular exercise. I’ve walked a couple of times this week. Hopped on the vibration plate machine my housemate has a couple of times. I’m getting my eating routines back into more balance – and by that, I don’t mean being totally “on program.” My blood sugar is coming back more into balance. I’m so glad I’m not freaking out about it anymore.

I don’t want to be stupid about it, obviously – but I also don’t want to be controlled by fear. I remain unwilling to be medicated. I feel mostly well – and that’s my biggest indicator of what’s happening in my body. I continue to monitor my morning sugars and pay attention to my well-being in all areas of my life. My most recent eye exam showed that my eyes are fine (one of my biggest concerns about my diagnosis). At 57, I am so blessed as to not even need reading glasses. I am grateful for my eyesight, and for this body and this life.

I’m going to keep paying attention to what are the best choices for me in my daily life to stay well – physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically – even spiritually. To me, it’s all tied together. Freaking out throws me off balance. Strict dietary programs and over-emphasis on activity throw me off balance. I’m riding the waves of recovery from decades of weight loss dieting traumas, negotiating new pathways in my relationship to food and health/well-being. I’m also learning on a deeper level what would have been very helpful for me to know when I was first diagnosed: I don’t have to go to extremes or get this under perfect control immediately – it is okay to take my time and find my way into balance.

I’m laughing now at how offended I was at the diabetes class I took, where they suggested a diet that included bread and other carbs. I’d read such strong condemnations of wheat and its impact on blood sugar that I was sure these “professionals” had no idea what they were talking about. Recommending grains and legumes – are you kidding me? Didn’t they know anything? LOL Yeah, in the beginning, I was a whole exercise in extremity – sure because of my own “success” with Dr. Hyman’s program, that the ADA (and their recommended diet) was all misguided nonsense. I still haven’t actually looked back into their recommendations after that cursory dismissal because they weren’t strict enough (in my opinion).

Now, I’m thinking that the ADA’s more balanced program was probably much closer to what I needed long-term – what was sustainable for me. Bread is important to my happiness. And restricting whole food groups is not beneficial to my psyche. Maybe one of these days I’ll look into it again. Until then, I’m finding my own way the best I can each day – and taking it easy on me. Honestly, my joy and pleasure in life feels like the most important factor for me. Everything else flows from that.

Disclaimer: Please be advised that I am not a medical professional nor a dietician. This site is not in any way, shape, or form providing any sort of diagnosis, advice, cures, or recommendations for medical or dietary treatments. I am simply sharing my own journey and experiences. Nothing I say is intended to replace proper medical care.

Ignoring My Blood Sugar Is NOT An Option

TW/CW: Some talk of damaging effects of weight-loss dieting, mental/emotional issues, depression.

This blog isn’t just about “success” in managing my blood sugar – it’s about the ups and downs, the struggles, and the ways I pull myself back up when I fall down. Which is where I am right now: down.

The past few weeks, I’ve allowed myself to slide on being careful about blood sugar control. I’ve been taking my morning readings every few days, but not doing anything about the increasingly alarming numbers I was seeing. I had other things on my mind and going on in my life. I am reminded this morning that if I’m not managing my health and blood sugar, everything else in my life is affected. I don’t have energy. I can’t think as clearly as usual. I start not only wanting to take naps, but needing to take them, exhausted from the battles I’m forcing my body to fight continuously by not controlling my blood sugar.

I mean, yes – I have all kinds of excuses of why I haven’t exercised regularly in weeks. Many of them are even valid. I was injured and took it easy until that was healed. I spent a couple of days on the road, driving 13 hours a day. That was exhausting all on its own. I had a few days that were filled with friends and activities – which does not mean that I couldn’t have taken the time to go for a walk each day … I just didn’t do it. The air quality has been bad a lot lately outside, which doesn’t mean I couldn’t jump on my rebounder inside – or dance – I just (mostly) haven’t done it. I haven’t had the energy – which is the paradox – because exercising gives me more energy. I know this. It’s just hard to convince myself of that fact when all I want to do is crawl back into bed and sleep more.

Smoke filling the sky near where I’m currently staying with a friend – not conducive to being outside!

Of course, it also helps if I’m eating in a more conscious way that supports blood sugar balance. My eating lately has not been mindful of my well-being. The friend I stay with some of the time brought home a big box of little bags of Fritos and Cheetos. Another friend brought Oreos to a party we attended. Suddenly, I’m 12 again, feeling like I’ve been set free from adulting. I’m so tired of adulting! (I realize that eating like a child does not, in fact, free me from adult responsibilities – but there is something about it that feels so good anyway). When I was on the road, we ate out quite a bit – something I haven’t done in over a year and a half. Even before the pandemic, when I was being strictly on my program, eating out wasn’t so fun – I always just ordered a chicken breast and vegetables. This time, I ordered whatever sounded delicious, not even considering carb counts, etc. And at home, I’ve been eating more comfort foods than meals that I would consider to be in alignment with blood sugar control.

Lunch out while waiting for a friend whom I’d driven to a doctor’s appointment out of town.
I was delighted and happy to be eating this – and it’s probably okay once in a while, but I’ve been
eating like this quite a bit lately. That’s lots of carbs – tortillas, chips, beans, rice, beer. Not ideal.

So, here we are. I feel exhausted. Sad. Depressed. I also feel clear that I need to get this under control now – and I feel motivated to do that. Back to basics. Making agreements with myself about how to support my health and well-being. There’s a big mental/emotional struggle I go through because of the similarities between these health-supporting choices I need to make now and the life-negating choices I made during the decades I was devoted to weight loss dieting. I need to remind myself that I’m not being punished, that there’s nothing about this that is saying that my body is unacceptable or that I’m unlovable. On the contrary, the new messaging is that I am worth taking care of. This is not about weight (even though so many doctors ignorantly and harmfully insist on pushing the falsehood that it is about weight). I don’t need a scale to get my blood sugar under control. I’ve been down this road before. I know how to do this. I’ve got this. Just going back to basics.

Beginning is the hardest part, because I feel crappy. My readings this morning were 154, 138, 161, and 157. I’ve talked before about how my meter varies widely in its readings – but it’s clear that my numbers are way too high. My head is in a fog. I feel nauseous and sluggish. Moving is the last thing I want to do right now, but I’m going to commit to jumping on my rebounder at least 20 minutes every morning first thing. If the air is okay, I can go for a walk outside instead – my goal is an hour a day. If I haven’t walked or done some other activity, I’ll do another 20 minutes on the rebounder in the afternoon – or dance. The goal is to have 45-60 minutes of activity daily.

Making good food choices is going to be relatively easy for the first few days. I feel bad enough that my body is craving just healthy, simple foods. I know how to feed my body to feel better (veggies, chicken, turkey, eggs, nuts, a little citrus, a little dark chocolate for my sanity – and that’s basically it). The challenge comes when I start feeling good again and thinking that a plate of nachos and a beer would be just the thing I desire. Which isn’t to say that I can never have that – I just need to be more careful how often I have that – and what else I’m having around that (not putting multiple high-carb snacks/meals into the same day). It’s management – and that’s how I have to view it. Management, not punishment. Guidelines, not a condemnation to food restrictions for the rest of my life. There’s a balance I’m searching for. That search is complicated by many triggers I have resulting from decades of self-imposed food deprivations and punishing exercise routines. I need to allow this somehow to feel fun and life-affirming for myself. Part of that is feeling joy in my body.

I love my body. Any size. Any shape. I’ve fought hard for decades for that level of self-love/body-love. I want to feel good in my body. I often do – no matter what size I am. Being fat doesn’t mean I can’t feel good in my body. I’ve had decades of feeling healthy, well, and active as a fat woman. For whatever reason (I blame the antibiotics that wrecked me just before my diagnosis), I now have blood sugar issues that impact how well I feel – and that I need to deal with. So, here I go again. I expect to feel significantly better within a week. I’ll report back and let you know how it’s going. Right now, I need to get on the rebounder and jump!

Disclaimer: Please be advised that I am not a medical professional nor a dietician. This site is not in any way, shape, or form providing any sort of diagnosis, advice, cures, or recommendations for medical or dietary treatments. I am simply sharing my own journey and experiences. Nothing I say is intended to replace proper medical care.

Allowing My Blood Sugar Level To Be “Good Enough”

TW/CW: Discussion of diabetes, numbers, grief, food issues, emotional/mental health.

Wow! It’s been over three weeks since I’ve written anything on this blog – and what a time it has been! I do not mean that in a good way. First, there was the day I managed to accidentally drop a big speaker on my face, requiring a trip to the hospital and layers of stitches to sew up my nose. Honestly, it could have been so much worse – I am very fortunate all I needed were stitches (and that it didn’t take out one of my eyes instead of my nose). The pain of that was nothing compared to the ongoing pain I was having in my ear and jaw following dental work. I’m not sure if the anesthesia hit a nerve or if my body is just so sensitive – but I was in near-agony for over two weeks. On top of that my temporary crown cracked in half – and the half I was able to glue back in kept falling out. Kind of a miserable time, honestly. The final straw was the news that a dear friend had passed away following an elective surgery. He was only 55, healthy and vital and so alive. Such a kind, loving human being. How could this happen?!?

Diabetes management has not exactly been forefront in my mind … although, I also don’t have the luxury of ignoring it completely.

My point of this post is to say that life happens – and that we don’t always have favorable conditions to manage our diabetes perfectly. In that case, we just do the best we can – and allow that to be good enough. I’ve tended in my life to be a perfectionist – but that isn’t sustainable – or practical or even ideal in a human life. A couple of years ago, my doctor told me that he would consider my diabetes under control by diet and exercise if I could keep my fasting sugar level under 126. Of course, me being me, I set my goal at under 100. And I got there. But it wasn’t sustainable for me – and I had the backlash that always happens when I am too strict with my eating and exercise habits.

My fasting blood sugar at my last appointment was 105, but my new doctor wanted to put me on metformin. My A1C had held steady at 6.6. Not ideal (or even good), I know. But there is no way I was going on metformin. I discussed this in my last post. She backed down when I clearly told her no. She wants to see me again in 6 months. She also informed me that there’s no sign of diabetic retinopathy. They did a scan last time I was there. I’m grateful for that, for sure! So, I’m basically healthy, feeling well other than pain and injuries that have nothing to do with diabetes. I’m also healing well, so that’s another good sign. My energy levels are decent. I’m just living my life – sometimes just trying to survive my life. Grateful for my life.

I was not active the week after I cut my nose. It hurt if I bent over or moved around too much. I was also afraid of re-injuring it, so not feeling like going outside for walks or anything. I just had a quiet week, mostly spent sitting on my bed reading and writing. Since then, I’ve been bouncing on my rebounder and dancing in my room, practicing with my DJ equipment (not putting the speakers up on the stands – they will be staying on the floor, LOL). I haven’t felt like venturing from home. Maybe next week I’ll start doing yoga again. I know how good it is for me, how much better I feel when I do it regularly. I’m also unwilling to force myself – when it flows for me, I’ll do it.

Food wise, I’ve been enjoying a variety of foods, my usual on the healthy side with some fun added in the mix. I’m still seeking the balance where I’m controlling my blood sugar to an acceptable level, but not feeling like I’m denying myself pleasure/sanity around food.

Of course it’s easier to make better choices when circumstances contribute to success – when we can prepare things ahead of time, when we can chew without pain, when we have time and the available energy and wellness to exercise, when we have room in the refrigerator and freezer for our ideal foods (yes, that can totally be an issue!), when we have the physical and emotional bandwidth to prepare the foods and do the things that will keep us in our optimal health. But circumstances don’t always offer us the ideal situations for a variety of reasons – and when that happens, I think we just do our best and give ourselves some grace about it. My attitude has become to just enjoy the moment and do what I need to do to get to the next day. I’ll figure it out from there.

Yesterday, I was working on something and skipped lunch because I didn’t want to stop. Then I was too hungry – and I had nothing already prepared to grab. I ended up grabbing a little bag of Cheetos my friend had brought home. It was delicious! After I ate it, I was able to make a more balanced meal. I’m no longer striving for perfection. I’m just remembering to breathe and to pay attention to how my body feels. Nap when I need that. Eat when I need that. Move/dance when I need that. I’m taking my 124 reading this morning as a win. I haven’t been being super careful. I haven’t been exercising as regularly as usual these past few weeks. I’m just living … and it seems like my blood sugar is doing okay. I’ll keep watching it, of course – but I’m really grateful to not feel like I’m freaking out about it anymore. Breathe. Relax. One day at a time … โค๏ธ.

My nose is almost healed and life goes on! ๐Ÿ˜

Disclaimer: Please be advised that I am not a medical professional nor a dietician. This site is not in any way, shape, or form providing any sort of diagnosis, advice, cures, or recommendations for medical or dietary treatments. I am simply sharing my own journey and experiences. Nothing I say is intended to replace proper medical care.

Dear Doctor, Please Stop Trying To Push Drugs On Me

TW/CW: some reference to weight loss, blood sugar/cholesterol numbers, dieting, trauma, mental illness, sexuality, and suicidal feelings/ideation.

I just googled whether doctors get a kickback for prescribing medications, thinking that I was probably being way over-cynical. Go ahead, google it. Tell me what you find. I didn’t even have to finish typing in my question – the search engine populated several potential lines of inquiry along the same concept. Obviously, I’m not even close to the only one wondering that. Short answer is that yeah, in multiple ways, doctors may financially benefit from their relationships with pharmaceutical companies and, yes, also by writing prescriptions. So, there’s that. No accusations here, just awareness of potential realities.

I made an amateur mistake and had my bloodwork done not quite two weeks after my birthday. I’d had pepperoni pizza for my birthday and leftovers after. I’d had cake and ice cream (in small amounts, but still) virtually every day since my birthday. My friend grilled me a steak that week. I’ve been eating more cheese than is ideal. So yeah, it was unsurprising to me that my cholesterol was a little bit high this time (231). It was 218 at my previous visit in October, after my having gotten it down to 167 the last time I’d had bloodwork done in June of 2019. Without asking me at all about my diet/food history or current practices, exercise regimen, or lifestyle, my doctor recommended that I take fish oil capsules (I can’t afford them right now), “work on eating habits,” lose weight, eat more “healthy fats,” and get more exercise. She also threatened to put me on metformin if my A1C had risen to 7.0. When the lab results came in, my A1C had remained at 6.6, which is higher than I’d like, but I’m still figuring out where the line is where I’ll find a balance I can live with. At least my A1C hadn’t risen from my last visit, in spite of my birthday indulgences.

That didn’t stop her from trying to push me onto metformin. After receiving my results, she sent me a note through MyChart telling me that she’d now like to put me on metformin, 500 mg sustained release once a day – and she also recommended I start taking statin drugs. Really?!? What’s the rush for drugs? Seriously. And how about finding out why those numbers may be higher than ideal – and what I plan to do about that? A few simple questions could have made this whole process more beneficial and given me a modicum of faith in this doctor. But that didn’t happen, of course. In my 57 years, I’ve only had one doctor, back in Michigan, who actually listened to me, who took the time to get to know me as a human being, who asked the right questions, and who respected my own decision making about my body. Every other doctor I’ve had has been a major disappointment, making all sorts of ignorant assumptions, and ultimately turning out to be someone that I couldn’t trust with my health and well-being. I’ve gone through many doctors looking for someone I could trust.

Let’s start with my relationship to pharmaceuticals and then move on to what I intend to do naturally to help my blood sugar and cholesterol levels. Over the decades, I have studied side effects of drugs and have also deeply studied nutrition, exercise physiology, and natural health. At 57, I am not on any medications, both because I’m relatively healthy and because I’m scared half to death of pharmaceutical drugs. Yes, I’ve had them when it’s been life or death emergencies – and I am grateful for life-saving treatments, of course. But in general, I avoid them when possible. I’m nearly certain that my diabetes diagnosis happened due to side effects from an antibiotic I was taking for a tooth infection. I felt that drug rip my body apart. I had to stop taking it before I finished the cycle prescribed because my bladder was in such severe pain. Drugs scare me. Period. My likelihood of taking a drug daily for the rest of my life … is very close to zero. I can’t even imagine it.

Right now, I’m feeling pretty healthy. My energy levels are decent. My eyesight is perfect. I don’t have to wear glasses or anything. I only wake up once or twice a night to pee, which is a huge improvement over waking up every hour like I was doing when I was first diagnosed. The numbers that indicate kidney health in my bloodwork are fine. Yes, my A1C and cholesterol are a little elevated, but not alarmingly so. Through diet and exercise, I have gotten them back to perfect, normal levels – and I can do so again – or at least get closer to the ideal levels than I am now. More about that in a minute. Given that the AMA has lowered the ideal levels of both blood sugar (in 1997) and cholesterol (in the 1980’s) within my adulthood lifetime, I’m having a hard time taking these new numbers seriously. If you want to, you can believe that they changed the recommendations because they discovered that the new numbers reflect better health outcomes. My belief is that the new numbers create a significant increase in the number of people diagnosed with diseases, for which they can sell more pharmaceuticals (and more doctor visits). In fact, with the lowered threshold required for diagnosis, how many people who’d previously been deemed healthy, suddenly had a diagnosis that required medical/pharmaceutical intervention? Ca-ching! Here is a good article to read on that.

Have you read about the side effects of metformin or of statins? Or really, any pharmaceutical drugs? They are terrifying to me. Drug commercials on TV are absolutely absurd with their litany of potential deadly side effects to “cure” a condition that is nowhere near as serious as the side effects of the advertised drugs! Why would I trade in a relatively healthy, feeling well, strong and happy body for the plethora of pain and dysfunction promised by any of those drugs? Seriously? And apparently my new doctor hasn’t read the 2018 recommendations from the American College of Physicians, which suggest NOT giving drugs to patients with A1C below 7 percent. That’s me, by the way. Firmly in the category for whom drugs are not recommended.

In fact, let me quote them directly from the article: โ€œACPโ€™s analysis of the evidence behind existing guidelines found that treatment with drugs to targets of 7 percent or less compared to targets of about 8 percent did not reduce deaths or macrovascular complications such as heart attack or stroke but did result in substantial harms,โ€ said Dr. Jack Ende, president, ACP. โ€œThe evidence shows that for most people with type 2 diabetes, achieving an A1C between 7 percent and 8 percent will best balance long-term benefits with harms such as low blood sugar, medication burden, and costs.โ€

Let me emphasize these two words: “substantial harms” – so they don’t just slip by without the adequate attention they deserve. So, seriously, in light of this readily available information, WHY is my doctor still trying to push metformin on me? And how the hell am I supposed to trust her judgment about my health? Or frankly, most doctors – because the vast majority seem to have this indoctrination into believing grossly ignorant assumptions about body size and health (accompanied by a complete lack of nutritional knowledge), as well as an alarming predisposition to write as many prescriptions as possible. This country is grotesquely over-medicated and poisoned by the people so many of us are blindly trusting with our health. But, I digress. Let me step off that soapbox (believe me, don’t get me going) and get back to the issue at hand for me. What am I going to do about my blood sugar and cholesterol? (because, I hope it’s obvious by now, drugs are not going to ever be my answer if I can help it).

Let me tell you where I went wrong before – because I did get all of my numbers down to perfect levels – but what I was doing was extreme and ultimately unsustainable for me. I had a program that I did for a little over 18 months – and then I had a (predictable) rebound effect, where I stopped being so strict/careful and my numbers gradually went back up. What does it mean that I was extreme? I’ll tell you: I cut out entire food groups. I went all of that time without consuming any dairy, grains, breads, foods with a high carb content, or alcohol. In other words, no rice, no pasta, no corn, no chips, no potatoes, no pizza – none of my favorite foods like chicken pot pie, nachos and salsa, lasagna, Chinese food, or crusty bread, etc. None. I ate eggs, veggies or 1/2 sprouted grain English muffin with almond butter, and 1/2 grapefruit or an orange, sometimes blueberries or strawberries, with green or herbal tea for breakfast every day. I ate chicken or turkey, occasionally beef, with salad or vegetables for lunch and dinner. I had nuts for snacks. That was it. I was so afraid of diabetes that I didn’t vary at all. Well, I did allow myself a little bit of dark chocolate as long as my numbers stayed perfect. And they did.

I rode my bike 8-12 miles most days, which I enjoy anyway. I’ve always been an athlete and enjoyed being active. I’d already been dancing for a few hours at least 1-2 nights per week, but the more regular exercise seemed to make a difference (it’s hard to tell when you’re doing a bunch of different interventions at the same time which are working – or if it’s a synergistic effect). I was taking a bunch of supplements for blood sugar control and putting cinnamon and turmeric on many of my meals. I was doing “good” on my program, but as time went on, I wasn’t doing so “good” mentally, emotionally, or psychologically. I talked about that in more detail here. The reality for me, that I’m not sure if I’ve talked about before or not, is that I was feeling increasingly despondent about my life. Like, to the point of questioning if I even wanted to live. What was the point? Work to control my blood sugar. Work to make money to pay my bills. Yes, enjoy people and love in a general way … but where was my pleasure?

Yes, I enjoy riding my bike or spending time in nature, etc. It’s not the same level of pleasure as enjoying good food or sexual pleasure, both of which I’d been denying myself that entire time, having decided to take a break from sexual/romantic relationship/s to regain my mental/emotional equilibrium. A denial of pleasure for me is a surefire path to depression. No fun/delicious foods and no sexual connection with anyone else? That is a recipe for disaster for me!

Listen, this seems like a good time for me to come out: I am a foodie and I love sex. Yes, my love for my family and friends gives me a reason to live – but food and sex give me LIFE! And I don’t mean grilled chicken and vegetables, even though I enjoy them sometimes. I mean food. Sharing food with friends and family. Trying new recipes. Drinking wine. Enjoying a cold beer or a hot chocolate. Making a meal that I have a craving for. That almost always includes vegetables, salads, proteins, etc. – but also often includes cheese and/or some form of grains. Shutting the door on all of that was seriously and negatively impacting my will to live.

Photo by Olya Kobruseva on Pexels.com

I can remember being a kid on weekends or in summertime … and the only reason I would get out of bed sometimes is because I’d lie there dreaming about cereal and fruit combinations – and I’d finally get excited and hungry enough to go make myself a bowl to eat. I can’t eat cereal anymore because of my blood sugar issues, which is sad because that was one of my favorite foods. I had a banana almost every day of my life – either in cereal or in a fruit smoothie – up until my diagnosis three years ago. Now I can’t eat bananas. They notably impact my blood sugar, even moreso than the occasional ice cream I now eat again. I haven’t changed that much over all of these years, though. The thought of something pleasurable to eat remains a highly motivating force for me – and whether I’m alone or with friends and/or family, the act of eating my favorite foods allows me to feel a meaningful connection to life. That’s why the super strict program can’t work out for me long-term. I need that connection to life. I need to eat foods that I enjoy – and to be able to partake in the occasional glass of wine or beer when I feel like it.

So now, the task falls to me to find that line. How far can I push it and still have good numbers? I’m honestly not very upset with where my numbers are now, even though I recognize that they could be a little better. I’m willing to make some concessions, such as cut back a little bit on the cheese. Not cut it out. Not make it feel punitive. I know myself well enough to know that when I deny myself anything, the rebound effect is likely to strike – and I will want it more than if I’d just been moderate in my choices all along. I’ve got a long and traumatic history of weight loss dieting, and denying myself foods, behind me. If you don’t realize how harmful dieting is on multiple levels, including psychologically, you may want to read up on the Minnesota Starvation Experiment by Ancel Keys. There are many articles about that study and the psychological impacts of limiting foods to less than the body needs. Those men were eating about three times as many calories per day as many of the diets that I went on. They were losing their minds eating that much more than I allowed myself. What kind of trauma did I inflict on my own psyche? And not just for a six month period, but on and off for decades? I once went 10 days on a fast, drinking only water. I am not kidding at all when I call dieting an eating disorder. I am a recovering dieter, which means that I have some serious triggers around restricting my eating. That makes dietary management of diabetes even more challenging. Not impossible. I can do this. But recommending “weight loss” for me is asinine – and if I hadn’t already dealt with those demons sufficiently, that recommendation could be dangerous for someone with my history.

My new doctor knows none of this, of course. I can’t remember if I even tried to tell her. She doesn’t know that I usually walk or ride my bike an hour a day, but she did recommend that I do more exercise. I’m not even going to comment on that other than to say that the recommendation for adults is at least 150 minutes of activity weekly – or 30 minutes five days a week. I surpass that. By a lot. I am at my set point weight – the weight that my body naturally goes to whenever I’m not centering my entire life around lowering that weight. When I’m active and eating normally (by that I mean, not dieting and not in rebound mode, but just eating in a balanced manner, when I’m hungry, and what I feel like eating), this is where my body goes. I feel good at this weight. Solid. Strong. Comfortable in my body. Healthy. My doctor mindlessly tells me I should lose weight. She clearly has no idea what I need to do for my health – physical, mental, emotional, or psychological. None. That means I’m basically on my own.

The only thing my doctor does for me is the bloodwork that I need to figure out where I am and what I need to do going forward. What I’ve figured out so far is that maybe I went a bit too far with eating foods I had denied myself for too long. Maybe I can still have those foods when I want them, but a little less frequently and reflexively as I was having them this past year. The reality is that I don’t often want or crave a cheeseburger and fries (for example) – until I tell myself that I can’t have that. Then guess what happens? I want it all of the time! My eating became a little disordered again after over 18 months of severe food restrictions. Life restrictions. The reality is that, for me, sometimes a beer and a couple of pieces of pizza are what get me through the day. And when it comes down to it, that is the more essential thing: getting through the day. I’m finding my balance. I’m feeling good. And that matters way more than any numbers. I’m keeping an eye on the numbers – but more than that, I’m keeping an eye on me – and making sure my life needs are met.

I’m going to go jot my doctor a note in MyChart that no, I won’t be taking those medications. I’m still finding my way, but I will find a way to control my blood sugar and cholesterol naturally. And if my numbers stay a little on the high side (where they are now without getting worse), I can live with that.

Disclaimer: Please be advised that I am not a medical professional nor a dietician. This site is not in any way, shape, or form providing any sort of diagnosis, advice, cures, or recommendations for medical or dietary treatments. I am simply sharing my own journey and experiences. Nothing I say is intended to replace proper medical care.

The Challenge Is On-Going

A lot has been happening in my life lately, which is why I haven’t been checking in the past couple of weeks. I just published my 4th book, Embracing Awkward: A Collection of Writings on Life, Love, Body Image, Fat Liberation, Sexuality, Vulnerability, and Standing Strong. I wrote more about that on my other blog if you’d like to check it out.

My latest book, addressing one of my favorite topics: AWKWARD!

I also just celebrated my birthday, which interestingly, I was not the least bit careful about what I ate that day, but I had one of my best blood sugar readings in recent memory the next morning. WHAT?!?

That’s got me wondering if maybe wine is a secret weapon in blood sugar control. Yes, I will be investigating that as soon as I have the finances to make that possible! (I was gifted a bottle of wine for my birthday, allowing this potential discovery to transpire – I was also gifted a free birthday pizza by Marco’s ๐ŸŽ‰). A quick Google search indicates that I may be onto something here – but I would like to do more personal research at some point. If you feel inspired to contribute to my wine fund (or my general survival fund), please contact me below – or buy my books! ๐Ÿ˜ (It’s a little awkward for me asking for financial support, but I am fully committed to embracing awkward at this point – and also, to surviving, so, Hello, Awkward! ๐Ÿ˜)

Well, as busy as I am, the challenge of controlling my blood sugar is ever-present – and the busier I am, the more important it is that I plan ahead and that I have on hand things that are easy to make. I thought today I’d share one of my easy go-to recipes that I try to always have on hand.

The basic recipe is:

  1. Saute some veggies in olive or coconut oil. Here, I used broccoli and onions. I will often add cauliflower, kale, carrots, zucchini, yellow squash, mushrooms, bell peppers, and other favorites. I have an awareness of using lower-carb veggies and staying away from potatoes, corn, peas, and other carb-rich veggies, but the amounts are so small, I honestly don’t think it matters much.
  2. Add a protein source. Here, I used pre-cooked chicken. I will often cook several chicken breasts in a Crock Pot to last me for days. Rotisserie chicken is also very convenient – and fairly economical. I sometimes use turkey or beef. If you like seafood, good for you! You could use that too! (I wish I did because I know it’s good for you, but I just don’t).
  3. Add a can of Amy’s Organic Soup. Here, I used the Minestrone Soup. (I don’t usually use the light sodium, that was all the store had). I often like to use the Amy’s Cream of Mushroom Soup – but that can be hard to find.
  4. That’s it! Heat it through and enjoy!

I will say one thing: no matter how strict/careful I’ve been on my program, I make sure to eat enough food to feel satisfied – and to make meals that taste delicious too. I’m not about to be miserable with my food – because that makes me miserable in my life. Sometimes, I just need to eat some pizza or a burger or something – but most of the time, a meal like this is perfect. In fact, it’s getting past my lunch time and I need to eat soon – I am starting to feel a little sick from hunger. Gotta run! Take care!

What Is The Relationship Between Diabetes, Inflammation, And Environmental Toxins?

Y’all. I’ve just had a revelation. This may be old news to many people, but to me, it’s an epiphany.

Since the last time I wrote, up until three days ago, I’d been managing my blood sugar pretty well – at least, according to my own goal that I now have, which is to keep my morning fasting sugar below 120 (126 was what my doctor had suggested I keep it below to stay off medication). My blood sugar had been in basically the 115-117 range during that time. Cool, cool.

I was walking regularly, usually an hour a day. That used to be four miles for me once upon a time, now it’s three. That’s okay. My speed may improve or it may not. I’m not trying to win any awards here, just want to stay healthy. And sometimes, I only walk half of that, depending on how my knee is feeling. (I miss my bike! ๐Ÿ˜ฐ)

My eating lately hasn’t been particularly careful – one night, I was reading a good book and didn’t want to stop to prepare food, so I just had a small hunk of cheese and a bag of microwave popcorn for dinner. I almost never do that and, LOL, it’s not something I would make a habit of, but I was relieved to see the next morning that it hadn’t impacted my blood sugar in a negative way. I’d mostly had my usual, “healthy” fare – salads with chicken, veggies with protein (chicken, turkey, and beef are what I like – unfortunately, I don’t like seafood) – and I’d also had some bread here and there, a Naan BBQ chicken pizza I make (YUM!), a little bit of ice cream, an occasional beer and chicken nachos. So, I wasn’t being super strict like I’d been before – but my blood sugar was at an acceptable level for me. This was livable! I could do this!

I also noted that I mostly hadn’t been taking any supplements (like my CALM magnesium, which I still think is a really good thing for me to take regularly). When I first did my program after I was first diagnosed, I took quite a number of supplements. When I’m doing a variety of things, it’s hard to tell which one(s) are working – or if it’s the combination of things. Do I need to keep doing all of the things? Due to my current financial circumstances, I can’t afford supplements, so I have had to take those out of the equation. (I do still use cinnamon and turmeric regularly on my foods, is the one exception.) Even without supplements, my blood sugar has (mostly) been at an acceptable level (for me). I do wonder – if I were taking them, would my sugar go even lower? Maybe even get back down under 100? Possibly?

But here’s why I’m writing today: three days ago, my housemate brought a big area rug a friend had given her into the house and had me help her unroll it in the living room. Immediately, the smell of the rug overwhelmed me – musty/moldy – I felt like I’d bitten into the air and gotten a mouthful of sand is how drastically my body reacted. I couldn’t breathe. Even when I went into my bedroom, closed the door, turned on the ionizer, and put on a filtered mask, I was still having a strong reaction to the rug. I had to go outside and sit in the fresh breeze to calm down my air passages and be able to breathe. As I sat outside, I noticed that it wasn’t just my breathing – that my neck felt tight, and my whole body felt stressed. Long story short, we got rid of the rug.

But here’s where it gets interesting. I forgot to take my reading the next morning after this happened, but yesterday morning, my blood sugar read 149 (and not just once, I tested multiple times for confirmation). I hadn’t done anything different or unusual in terms of my eating or activity. The only difference in my life had been this allergic/inflammatory response. I also noticed that my body felt bloated – my ankles and fingers were notably swollen (and that’s not usually the case). And the thing that helped me really make the connection that I noticed – is that my bladder felt painfully irritated, like I had an urge to urinate almost constantly. I’d felt that before ….

A few weeks (months?) before I was first diagnosed with type 2 diabetes – and keep in mind that my blood sugar levels up until then had been just fine and that I’d been basically at the same weight for over 20 years – my dentist prescribed an antibiotic for a tooth infection. Then, after my root canal, the endodontist prescribed another round of that same antibiotic “just to be safe.” That antibiotic ravaged my body. I could feel it happening. The most alarming symptom was that my bladder felt like I’d been sitting in a movie theater holding it so I didn’t miss the end of the movie. You know that feeling where it just hurts and you can’t wait to run to the restroom and get relief? Only, when I was taking this antibiotic, that feeling remained – there was no relief from it – and it was becoming increasingly, unbearably painful. I saw my doctor and he told me to get off that antibiotic immediately.

I did stop taking it right away, but the side effects didn’t quickly disappear. It took time for my body to heal. At that time, I had several jobs and was working at least 60-80 hours a week, so I was running on fumes. Back then, I attributed my extreme fatigue to my work schedule, but now that I think about it, I’m sure that the effects of the antibiotic also contributed to what eventually became basically a physical breakdown. I had a few days (weeks?) where I could barely move. I had no energy. My whole body hurt. I couldn’t even think straight, I was so depleted energetically. Right after that, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, based on one routine blood test.

Here’s what I’m noticing and what I think: the feeling of irritation in my bladder these last three days is very reminiscent (not nearly as bad/painful, but I’m definitely having flashbacks) of when I was taking that antibiotic. And what I’m thinking is that in both cases, where my blood sugar was driven higher, it’s that my body was (is) in an inflammatory response – in once case to a medication, and in this case, a severe allergic response to an environmental toxin (mold or whatever else was in that rug).

Now, through my studying over the years (I used to own a health food store almost 30 years ago for 8 years and I’ve studied nutrition basically my whole life), I know that there are foods that can create an inflammatory response in the body. Sometimes people are allergic to specific foods, which can create a range of inflammatory responses – up to and including death. There are some foods (perhaps? – I’m not sure?) that tend to cause at least a small inflammatory response for most everybody (why are antacids so popular?). I’ve thought of these foods as being at the root of many disease processes in the body, including arthritis and digestive issues and who knows what else?

My point is this: in my case (not speaking for anyone other than myself), it seems to me that inflammatory processes caused by medication and by environmental toxins, had far more to do with my “diabetes” than anything to do with my food or activity or lifestyle choices. I’ve always had an awareness that my diagnosis had nothing to do with my weight. I’ve been a healthy, active fat person for decades. No problems with my blood sugar until I had that dangerous antibiotic (and yes, once I researched it, I saw that it had harmed LOTS of people, that it’s considered a “black box” antibiotic – and I’m so angry that I took it!). My recovery also had nothing to do with my weight – I was back to normal blood sugar fairly quickly, without any significant weight loss. It just took a little time to get the antibiotic and its effects fully out of my system – and it’s possible that I helped that process move along more quickly by the program that I was doing.

Now, I am acknowledging that doing a program that avoided foods that could potentially cause some inflammation in my body did help my blood sugar to go down – and that at the time, that was necessary because my body had been put into a crisis of inflammatory overload by the medication. But what I’d like to argue is that if my body hadn’t been in an inflammatory crisis caused by the medication, I would not have had my blood sugar spin out of control and would not have gotten a diabetes diagnosis. It just pushed me over the limit of what my body could handle, so then I had to be extremely careful not to introduce any more factors which could cause inflammation into my body (therefore, had to be careful about what I ate, whereas before I hadn’t needed to be so careful – and when I’m not in a toxin-induced crisis, I’m not sure that I ever need to be so careful).

What I’m going through now is similar. My blood sugar was down to 131 this morning. I expect at this trajectory, it will be below 120 again tomorrow. I had a chicken sandwich last night for dinner – something I wouldn’t have done right after my diagnosis. I can eat bread without a negative impact on my blood sugar. I think I can probably eat pretty much anything in moderation (which I would have been afraid to even consider before, when I was panicking about my diagnosis and how to return to wellness). I am still suffering some of the effects of the histamine coursing through my body from my allergic reaction to that rug. I imagine that my body will work through that in the next week or so and I’ll be feeling good again and my blood sugar will normalize.

So, now I’m thinking about how to live my best, happiest life, keeping my inflammatory load as low as possible. I’ve been sensitive to chemicals for years – I had a bad experience with a “100% natural, completely safe” shower cleaner a few years ago, which resulted in a lung injury that had me on inhalers and breathing treatments for months. That left me very sensitive to scents and sprays to a degree that I still have to be careful and carry an inhaler in case of exposure. I can be taken down by someone spraying air freshener. Yes, I do have an awareness of what foods could impact me in ways that may cause inflammation – but honestly, I think foods may be among the least of my problems. I haven’t drank soda and I’ve avoided corn syrup in general since 2006. I avoid artificial flavors and colors as much as possible. So, I’m not exactly incautious in my food choices – I think it’s fair to say that I’m mindful about what I eat. Chemicals on/in foods are more concerning to me than the foods themselves. But environmental toxins in general are where my greater concern lies – and where I certainly intend to pay more attention.

How much does what we eat really have to do with our blood sugar levels? I wonder!

As I look back to when I started this blog, when my blood sugar had gotten out of my desired range for the first time since my diagnosis, what I realize is that we had literally just moved into a new house (new to us, really an older house). We’d been cleaning – I was using mostly vinegar, but also had used some disinfectant wipes, figuring I was “safe” because I wasn’t spraying anything into the air (which can be very dangerous for me). Now I wonder, what if the chemicals from those wipes were absorbed through my fingers – and that is what drove my blood sugar up? I’m just speculating here, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I’m going to keep paying attention and sharing what I notice. I’d be very interested if anyone else has had similar experiences/observations that you’d like to share in the comments!

I have some more questions and things I’m wondering about. First of all, I’m not 100% sure about my diabetes type 2 diagnosis. I realize that my blood sugar goes to high levels when I’ve been exposed to dangerous medications or environmental toxins – but otherwise? I’m not sure. Maybe without those stressors, it’s normal? That’s got me wondering if it’s at all possible that many people diagnosed with type 2 diabetes are not necessarily finding themselves in that position due to genetics or lifestyle – but rather due to environmental factors. Think about it. Demographically speaking, African Americans and other people of color are more prone to a diabetes diagnosis than white Americans – and, due to systemic racism, are also more likely to live in communities where pollutants, dangerous chemicals, and other environmental toxins are more prevalent. Pete Buttigieg just recently talked about how urban highways were traditionally built through Black communities. Think about all of the pollution put into the air by traffic – and then consider the inflammatory response and toxic load which that could create for the people who live in communities afflicted with that kind of air and/or other environmental pollution.

Look at Tampa, Florida right now, where a holding reservoir containing radioactive waste from a phosphate mining company called Piney Point has leaked millions of gallons of contaminated wastewater into Tampa Bay and surrounding communities and water systems. This company has been polluting the air, soil, and water in the nearby communities for decades. This is just the latest, most devastating and publicly recognized environmental disaster this company has caused. What effect will the current disaster have on the people who live in that area? Will “diabetes” rates rise? Along with various cancers and other autoimmune disorders? Is anyone paying attention to that? Someone should definitely be tracking this sort of thing!

Also – we should be making sure to prevent this sort of thing! We need much stronger environmental protection laws – and enforcement of those laws! And perhaps instead of constantly focusing on developing more drugs – and even focusing quite so much on “healthy eating” and activity – we should be thinking more about how to clean up and protect the environment – and support people’s natural health in that way. I think it’s possible that the solution is not in medication, or even so much in “lifestyle” choices – but rather in environmental protections and preventing toxic conditions which can cause inflammatory responses in the human body. As the saying goes, “What happens to the water, happens to the people.” I think we need to think a whole lot more about that.

Disclaimer: Please be advised that I am not a medical professional nor a dietician. This site is not in any way, shape, or form providing any sort of diagnosis, advice, cures, or recommendations for medical or dietary treatments. I am simply sharing my own journey and experiences. Nothing I say is intended to replace proper medical care.

Figuring Out What I Can Live With – Finding Balance

TW/CW: Some reference to impact of history of weight loss dieting.

When I was first diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, my doctor really didn’t give me any information about what to do. He just dropped the bomb, told me to come back in a few weeks, and sent me home. When I came back, he offered me medication. I said, no thank you – I would handle this naturally, if possible. He suggested that if I could get my fasting blood sugar down to 126, that would be good enough – that could be my goal.

Me being me (a recovering perfectionist), that obviously wasn’t going to cut it. I wanted to get my blood sugar back into the “normal” range, preferably below 100. And I did that – for a little over 18 months. Actually, even longer than that – because even when I stopped being super strict about what I was eating and how much and how often I was engaging in activity (usually bike riding for me), it took many months for my blood sugar to start drifting up. Now, in retrospect, I’m wondering if 126 wasn’t a more realistic goal for me – one that would be protective of my health (and avoid negative health outcomes), but also that would allow me to have some leeway with my choices and enjoy my life (which, as it turns out, is an essential part of health and well-being). Once again, the concept of “balance” arose in my life – finding a manageable balance.

As I realized the other day, my home blood sugar meter isn’t necessarily accurate, so I’m confronted with the idea of not completely relying on the numbers to inform me of how I’m doing. I’m not abandoning the numbers altogether, but I’m not measuring every day – and when I do, I’m taking multiple readings at the same time to check for accuracy. A few mornings ago, my readings were 127, 133, 127 – so, I’m going to go with that it’s close to the goal of 126. Close enough – and also, room for improvement.

Speaking of numbers – in case I haven’t already made this perfectly clear, I will never look at a scale to measure how I am doing – my weight is completely irrelevant to my health, well-being, and how I am taking care of myself. A focus on weight is the very antithesis of helpful. It is damaging and has been shown to make people more likely to quit actions and habits beneficial to their health than to continue them. See ASDAH (Association for Size Diversity and Health) for more information on that. My focus is on my holistic well-being, not just on the numbers in my blood panels, and certainly not at all on my weight.

The difference with my current journey down this path (as opposed to at the beginning when I was operating from a panic/fear level after my diagnosis) is that I’m not demanding “perfection” of myself. Close enough is going to work for me. I’m going to celebrate the wins – and pay attention to how I’m feeling. The last few days, I’ve actually been feeling quite well. I’ve gone for 45- 60 minute walks each day. That helps a lot. I’m not walking very fast. I used to bike because it was easier on my knees (and I love riding my bike). My bike isn’t currently with me (and I’m not sure I could manage the hills here – I’m used to flatter terrain), so walking seems like the best choice for now. My friend is also going to bring home her rebounder from her office – which, I love jumping on a rebounder – I think it’s so good for me, both as movement and as fun! Walking is good for my mental/emotional state too – I notice that being out in nature is good for my spirits and energy. My legs are getting stronger – I’m able to go further now than I was going a couple of weeks ago.

The thing I’m mostly doing is paying attention to my body. If I’m tired, I don’t force myself to walk. I allow myself to rest. However, there are different kinds of tired – and sometimes, I feel like maybe I’d benefit from being outside, so when I feel like that, I may start walking and see how it feels. I can stop or keep going, honoring the moment. I’ve spent so much of my life ignoring my body’s signals, trying to force my body to my will, rather than listening to my body’s needs. It’s an interesting journey to unlearn that – and I want to be patient with myself as I learn new habits and form new neural pathways.

The same is true with eating. For a long time (decades), I forced myself to limit what I ate, to not eat even when I was very hungry – and also to eat when I wasn’t hungry just to keep my metabolism going. These behaviors over-rode the messages I was getting from my body. When I would go off my various diets, then I’d eat all of the foods I’d missed – and would often eat them until I felt sick, a response created by the psychological damage incurred from the denial of these foods and prolonged periods of hunger. In my opinion, dieting is an eating disorder that does considerable, inestimable damage.

What I’m discovering as I move forward on this path – is that I learn what works for me partly by going along and bumping into things that don’t work for me. Sometimes I don’t even notice they’re not working for me until I’ve done them a while and am confronted with a crisis or an awareness that finally captures my attention. And honestly, some things change for a variety of factors/reasons/circumstances. I’m trying to stay in flow and awareness, adjusting as needed and as is beneficial for me, my life, my health, and my happiness. It is definitely a juggling act – because these goals aren’t always going in the same direction or accomplished by the same choices. Example: while pizza may not be the ideal choice for my physical health (blood sugar), it is fairly high on my happiness list – so, I need to figure out a way to enjoy that pleasure while mitigating any negative effects it could have on my body. How do I do that? That’s what I’m figuring out.

I honestly believe that’s different for everyone, too. There’s no cookie-cutter recipe for this that will work for everyone. As the saying goes, “Don’t follow me – I’m lost too.” Even the so-called “experts” often don’t take into account, and cannot predict, different factors that influence the unique individuals that are also doing this dance with diabetes. What are the psychological factors? Emotional/mental health factors? Life situations/circumstances? Support systems? Food availability? Time constraints? Limitations imposed by work, finances, etc.? Environmental safety? Activity options? Mobility issues?

I’m fortunate to be staying somewhere where I can go out for a walk alone in the mornings and be safe. Not everyone has that. Not everyone has the time. I don’t have big time obligations right now regarding raising children or working outside the home or other major commitments. I’m fortunate to have the luxury of time and space to be able to make health-supporting choices for myself. I recognize that not everyone has the choices available that I have. So, we each have to figure out what we can do, what we can live with, how we can best support ourselves in every aspect of ourselves – not just our physical health, but the whole package – including our social connections, families, and those sorts of very important influences on our happiness, our sense of belonging, and our sense of purpose in life – all of which have much more impact than is commonly acknowledged on our health and well-being.

These days, my goal is more to notice how my body is feeling rather than to try to strictly control what foods I’m eating or how much. I’m playing with not eating if I’m not hungry – even if it seems like I “should” be eating. I know that it’s not good for me to allow myself to get too hungry – because that’s when I’m likely to make food choices that aren’t as beneficial for my goal of managing my blood sugar naturally. I try to have snacks and meals on hand, already prepared, so they’re easy to grab and eat. Ideally, I’ll eat a little bit every 2-3 waking hours – but if I’m not hungry, I’m not going to force myself – and if I am hungry, I’m not going to make myself wait. I’m feeling my way as I go along. It’s a new awareness for me. I measure if I’m actually hungry by mentally checking if a few nuts would do the trick. LOL If they wouldn’t, I’m probably actually having a craving – which, not judging that, just having an awareness and making my choices taking everything (hunger levels, emotions, etc.) into account. In a future blog post, I’m planning to address emotional eating on a deeper level, because I think it gets an unfairly bad rap. Obviously, like with anything else, we don’t want to be excessive with it, but it’s not all bad.

A moment to rest at the end of my walk.

I skipped dinner last night because I just wasn’t hungry. I got up early this morning and took a delightful 3 mile walk. My blood sugar meter read 116, 117, 125, 136, 128, 114. (I’m testing less regularly now, but multiple times when I do to check the accuracy of the meter). I don’t find these meter readings particularly helpful, honestly. I think I’m doing okay. I am feeling stronger – my walking is definitely improving over time in how my legs (knees) feel, in how far I can walk, and my pace. I’m taking the wins. Mostly, just enjoying being outside and moving my body. I’ll add a little bit each day. My goal is to get back to walking 4 miles a day at least five days a week (I used to do that, once upon a time). Of course, I’m going to listen to my body – and not push past pain or fatigue. I’ll only go that far if it feels good to do so. Otherwise, a half hour of walking a day is what is recommended for adults by the CDC. I may have goals that go beyond what is recommended, but I am also learning to allow the concept of “enough” to be a part of my life. I can allow the 30 minutes to be enough – and some days, if it feels good, maybe I can walk for a couple of hours. We’ll see where the path leads.

My new goal is “enough.” I want to eat enough food – not too little or too much. I want to be mindful enough regarding what I eat without being too strict or too careless about my food choices. I want to get enough activity and enjoy moving my body without going overboard or getting obsessive as I have in the past. There is a nice balance in all things that I am looking to find – and that includes finding a balance in the balance because being overly committed to balance can also cause imbalance (that will make sense to anyone who struggles as I do – and will perhaps sound like nonsense to those who don’t). Being in the state of “enough-ness” is going to take some getting used to, but I’m here for it!

Disclaimer: Please be advised that I am not a medical professional nor a dietician. This site is not in any way, shape, or form providing any sort of diagnosis, advice, cures, or recommendations for medical or dietary treatments. I am simply sharing my own journey and experiences. Nothing I say is intended to replace proper medical care.

Home Blood Glucose Meters

I’m feeling a little discouraged right now, honestly. I’ve tried three blood glucose meters so far: One Touch Delica, Accu-Check (I can’t tell you which one, because the battery died in about six months and it’s in a box somewhere), and One Touch Verio Flex.

I tested the One Touch Delica several times against the test they did at the lab, testing my blood right before I went in, recording it, then comparing it to the result I got when that came in. One time, the lab tech even let me test it right from where he drew the blood in my arm. The consistent result there was that my meter read about 23 points higher than my actual lab tests. Not ideal, but I could subtract about 20 points from my readings and have a good idea where I stood.

Then I got the Accu-check – and I would test with both, out of curiosity. Sure enough, the Delica read about 20 points higher than the Accu-check. I would alternate which I tested with, occasionally testing with both until the Accu-check battery died. I wasn’t willing to go through the hassle or expense of replacing the battery – especially not after I got an email from them (that I admittedly don’t remember clearly) that said something along the lines of, yeah, we have this issue with batteries dying, but you still have to pay to have it fixed. No. Thanks. I was actually mad, because my Delica was still going strong after a year of consistent use (and still is after 3 years, although I think they’ve discontinued that line, which is why my doctor prescribed the Verio Flex) – and I’d only used the Accu-chek intermittently for a few months. I hadn’t even gone through a whole container of strips! At any rate, I didn’t throw it away because I still had lots of testing strips, but I did store the Accu-chek away and don’t use that one.

I thought I was happy with the Verio Flex. It seemed to read about 20 points lower than the Delica the couple of times I did a comparison, so I was thinking it was fairly accurate … until the other day, I questioned my reading, so took another one. There was a significant difference, so I took another. In all, I took six readings and got five different results, ranging from 117 to 144. It read 130 twice. Now, I understand that they have a variability, but now that I know how far the readings can swing, I’m questioning how valuable it is to even use the meter to monitor my blood sugar. When I was so upset that morning a few weeks ago when it read 145 … what if it had read 120? How would I have felt then?

I’ll tell you how I would have felt: relieved it wasn’t higher. Not as semi-panicking as I was in seeing the 145. And while I would have continued to pay attention to my choices (because I legit wasn’t feeling very well – tired and nauseous), I would have had a very different reaction than the one I had. What if I were tired and nauseous for a different reason than my blood sugar? What if, for example, I just needed to take some digestive enzymes with my meals, particularly when I eat certain foods? Or not go to bed so close to after dinner? Or, who knows? I saw that number and automatically semi-freaked out, attributed how I was feeling to my blood sugar “going out of control” – and what if that number wasn’t even accurate?

Yesterday, I had chicken nachos for lunch. I wanted to see the impact of eating corn chips on my blood sugar, so I measured two hours after eating. My first reading was 140. I was like, that’s great! This isn’t a problem! But I thought I’d double check. My next reading was 172. Not so great. Then 200, 181, 182. Not so good at all. Maybe I should stay away from nachos/corn chips as a general rule? (Not that I’ll never have them, just not so often). Problem is, I don’t know which of those numbers is accurate – but not only that – I don’t know how accurate any of the single shot readings I’ve been recording are. A 60 point spread is an enormous difference! ENORMOUS! I feel like all of my data since I’ve been using this meter is questionable now.

I think I may back off a bit from testing so regularly – and just pay attention to how I’m feeling. I know that high blood sugar doesn’t always have symptoms and that I won’t necessarily be able to feel it, but I also have the basics down of what I need to do to control my blood sugar – and I can keep (mostly) doing those things and monitor how I’m feeling. I’ll test weekly or maybe a couple of times a week rather than daily or multiple times daily. I know if I feel tired or nauseous or if I have to urinate more frequently that I need to pay closer attention and maybe be more careful. I’m bummed to not have as much confidence in the meters as I once had, but also feel like maybe it’s more important for me to be in tune with my body anyway. Ideally, I’d be able to do both.

Anybody out there have suggestions? What meter do you use? Have you double-checked, triple-checked, etc.? Have you measured it against lab results? Any companies out there want me to test your product?

Disclaimer: Please be advised that I am not a medical professional nor a dietician. This site is not in any way, shape, or form providing any sort of diagnosis, advice, cures, or recommendations for medical or dietary treatments. I am simply sharing my own journey and experiences. Nothing I say is intended to replace proper medical care.

We Need Better Language to Talk About Diabetes Management

CW/TW: Discussion of weight loss terms and mental/emotional health issues.

As a survivor of twenty-plus years of dieting, I’m here to tell you that a lot of the language we use around health management (particularly in relation to diabetes) is triggering and potentially harmful – because many of the terms used in regard to creating ideal conditions for the body to heal are the same terms as used in weight loss dieting. They are triggering words and terms that too often create an unhealthy relationship to food, to activity/movement, and ultimately, to one’s own body and life.

What am I talking about? Well, for starters, the word “diet.” I understand that the technical meaning of this word is basically what foods a person or animal consumes – but that’s not how the word lands for most of us. Usually, when people talk about “diet,” the “weight loss” in front of it may be silent, but that’s understood to be what it means. It is understood to involve restrictions on food intake, rules about food and lifestyle, and a goal of changing the body’s size/weight. Some people use “food plan” or “eating program” or something like that – these terms are almost inextricably linked to the concept of weight loss/management. I’m bringing this up because I’m trying to be aware on this blog about how I talk about my personal strategies for dealing with diabetes, wanting to be clear and accurate, but with the least possible amount of harm done.

Because of the diet industry and the deeply ingrained anti-fat bias in this country, the words used to describe health-promoting lifestyle choices have become intertwined and often synonymous with the shaming, moralizing, judgmental terms of the weight loss culture. When people are dieting and eat something they “shouldn’t,” the term most often used is “cheating.” Think about the implications of that – of the moralizing of “should’s” and the judgments against someone who isn’t following the rules. There is shame attached to “cheating” – including increased body shame, as well as shame for not having more “self-control.” This coincides with blame assigned to people for failing to be compliant, and thus “deserving” whatever is going “wrong” with our bodies, whether that be an actual disease process or a natural variation of body size, which medical charts do not reflect in ways that honor diversity and genetic realities.

Other problematic terms include “blowing it” and “falling off the (diet) wagon.” These ideas imply that one is either in compliance or not in compliance to an outside set of extreme “rules” – rather than offering a flexible, health-supportive set of guidelines that allow room to create balance and recovery when the most ideal choices aren’t always available or possible. The result of this approach often plays out as: I already failed, so I completely give up and will now proceed to do whatever I want without constraint. We are all the way “on” or all the way “off.” This type of thinking fosters an “all or nothing” approach to self-care, which is not at all conducive to overall well-being.

The problem with “diet talk” is that it has one goal and focus: to make a person’s body smaller/weigh less. The diet culture does not take into account a person’s actual health and wellness – physical, mental, emotional, psychological, or social. On the contrary, the words of diet culture, fashioned to create compliance by shame, contribute to the ongoing psychological damage of its victims, often triggering traumatic responses in the people that we are supposedly trying to “help” or “serve.” If one reads about The Minnesota Starvation Experiment, conducted by Ancel Keys in the 1940’s, this will undoubtedly prove illuminating as to the traumatic and profound psychological effects of food deprivation (dieting).

If we take the time to understand some of the complex psychology involved when we alter what people (are allowed to) eat, as well as the potential traumas that many people have already suffered from dieting, I believe it will become apparent that we need to create a new lexicon in which we are able to discuss the most supportive and health-beneficial steps that people can take, without creating shame, stress, or further harm – those things most often resulting in the exact opposite consequences of our goals or intentions to help.

On this blog, I am attempting to be very aware of the words I use to describe how I am managing my own diabetes and the struggles I’m having as I go. I catch myself using words that are potentially triggering and I work to switch those out with words that make my point understandable, without adding the unwanted aspects of criticism, judgment, or moralism. It’s not an easy task. I think I’ve referred to the “program” I’m following multiple times in this blog already. I’m going to be thinking about better words to use. It’s an evolving process for me.

The choice of foods that we eat is not a moral issue. Food, itself, does not have a morality. I agree with others who have written that it is harm-causing to refer to foods as “good” or “bad,” “healthy” or “unhealthy,” “clean” or … dirty? – what’s the term used for the opposite of that? “Junk”? All of the moralism of categorizations of foods, all of the condescending superiority of what constitutes “good” and “acceptable” choices in food consumption – that crap is toxic and damaging. Nobody feels supported or improves their health in an atmosphere of shame.

It cannot be emphasized enough how every body needs to be treated with compassion and respect.
We are all sacred beings and deserve to be treated as such.

Also, the fact that doctors still heavily promote weight loss as the method to control diabetes is beyond problematic. Weight loss is not necessary to have improvement in blood sugar numbers, and a focus on weight loss is more likely to result in the opposite of the desired effect. A focus on weight loss is nearly always a losing proposition for the health and well-being of a person – body, mind, and spirit. It has been known and well-documented for decades that the vast majority (95-98%) of people who lose any amount of weight gain it back, often plus more, usually within 2-5 years. Just do a search about studies that show the percentage of people who lose weight and gain it back. Endless articles come up about this topic. Or check out the work of  ASDAH (the Association for Size Diversity and Health) and HAES ยฎ (Health at Every Sizeยฎ). Read the book Health At Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight by Lindo Bacon for more detailed information and explanations. There are many factors to consider, and so much damage caused by a focus on weight loss.

When we make choices that aren’t necessarily in alignment with the best interests of our body’s health, we are not “cheating” or “being bad.” We are simply living, being human. Yes, we want to support our health, of course – but there’s so much more going on than just physiology and biological processes. Human beings are incredibly complex – and there are all kinds of factors that play into health and wellness and well-being. We must take into account a myriad of other factors – personal and social history, support systems, financial/economic security, food deprivation (voluntary and/or involuntary), food availability/security, culture, traumas, mental/emotional/psychological health, balance and well-being, happiness, quality of life, family, work schedules, time schedules, obligations, energy levels, and so much more. We can’t just look at a human being and say, “do this” without taking into account all of the factors that influence their actual ability to do that! Or how doing that impacts all of the other areas of their life. We need a holistic approach that considers the entirety of each unique, individual human life.

So, what is the answer? First of all, take “weight loss” and all of its related terms completely off the table. Second, develop a language of inherent respect for every human being and all of these various aspects of their lives. Third, offer flexibility, options, and above all, compassion. It is not easy having to deal with health issues. It’s scary and stressful. It is not easy having to eat differently from your family and friends. It’s depressing and can feel like we’re being excluded from things everyone else gets to enjoy. That’s where flexibility becomes so important. Sometimes, we have a psychological need to be included, to share in what everyone else is getting to do. Can we create a balance between making choices that are beneficial for our bodies and making choices that are beneficial for our mental/emotional health – particularly if the two are at odds? And can we do this in a way that isn’t critical, judgmental, or belittling of our humanity and our needs and desires?

I’d like to share a personal example. One of the clearest memories of my childhood is sitting in a booth at a Howard Johnson’s restaurant with my family on a road trip. I was 10, and although an average sized child, I had decided – with the help of “women’s magazines” and social pressures – that I was “too fat.” So, I sat in the booth, miserable and crying, and secretly starting to hate myself and my life, as everyone else in my family enjoyed a dessert of strawberry shortcake. I was denying myself something that I really wanted because I had condemned my body as being unacceptable. That was the first of many imprints of shame, self-judgment, and even self-hatred. It was a long, painful road that I went down for over 20 years of self-denial, self-negation, and self-inflicted (although also socially inflicted and supported) psychological torment.

Thanks to the size acceptance movement, which later became known as the body liberation movement, fat lib, fat celebration, and other terms, I was able to heal a lot of the damage and trauma from those years. I was able to learn to love and accept my body and myself as I am. I was able to develop a conflict-free relationship with food, which was a joyous head and heart space to be in. Then I got my diabetes diagnosis and was forced back into a more complicated relationship with food. In learning how to best handle my health condition, I was once again exposed to the toxic attitudes about bodies and weight that are prevalent in diet and medical culture. I have not succumbed to the old shame or anything like that, but I have noticed some triggering of old traumas. I have felt stress, anger, frustration, and even despair about … all of it.

I’m fighting now for my own wellness, balance, and peace of mind. When I first started strategies to balance my blood sugar, I went extreme and overboard. Much like the patterns of my younger years when I engaged in a nearly constant stream of weight loss dieting. That was a neural pathway that I knew too well. The challenge I face now is to step off of that pathway and find a new way – one that incorporates necessary information along with my own complex human needs at every level.

I made a BBQ chicken pizza on Naan bread the other night for dinner. I shared a bottle of wine with my friend. Theoretically, those choices were not the “ideal” for my blood sugar levels. But I felt happy and satisfied – and my blood sugar the next morning was actually improved over that of the previous morning, when my food choices had been more in line with the guidelines I’m (mostly) following. I’m still experimenting and trying to figure all of this out, but this I know for sure: I have to keep a perspective of caring as much for my own happiness and emotional health in my life as I do about my physical health. Denying myself my favorite foods messes with my head and emotions – and is never going to work long-term for me, so I continue my search for balance.

I’m trying to find some grace for myself (and others) in the words and terms we use that point us in the direction in which we want to be heading – and also the words and terms we use when there are discrepancies/differences between what is deemed to be the “ideal” versus what is our lived reality, as well as what is beneficial to our entire being. I’ll be talking a lot more about finding balance in some of my upcoming blog posts. Stay tuned!

Disclaimer: Please be advised that I am not a medical professional nor a dietician. This site is not in any way, shape, or form providing any sort of diagnosis, advice, cures, or recommendations for medical or dietary treatments. I am simply sharing my own journey and experiences. Nothing I say is intended to replace proper medical care.